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John Kerry
John Kerry is a pinko commie-liberal. He was beaten by over 97% in a landslide during the 2004 Presidential election by George W. Bush. He also hates the military and thinks that they are all uneducated macacas. like a Real American.]] On The Colbert Report it was once said, "John Kerry Is The Worst Liberal Ever next to Satan" Kerry doesn't have a favorite character from Star Wars because he is a communist bastard. John Kerry is also a lover of immoral bears! He has plans to steal our honey pots and give them to Winnie the Pooh and Francois the French Communist Godless Gay Grizzly Bear. ]] !]] Biography {C}{C JOHN HANKS was spawned on June 6th, 1962, the love child of Stalin, Lucifer, Kurt Vonnegut, and Helen Thomas. He emerged from Hell in the early part of the century, causing the Great Depression and World War II. His evil was subdued for the next few years under Eisenhower, but Kerry threatened again to destroy democracy while fighting for North Vietnam. In Vietnam Kerry spent his time living in holes. Luckily, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth were there along with The Greatest President Ever (Dick Cheney was preoccupied battling the Freedom Haters in Canada) to defeat this monster. John Kerry's hobbies include: sodomy, killing babies, adultry, sipping blood from a skull in the glorious name of satan and, heresy. Nailed On The Colbert Report John Kerry appeared on the April 16, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report for his ritual nailing by Stephen. Fun Facts vote (Unsuccessfully, they voted for The Greatest President Ever)]] * Herman Munster, Brit Hume and John Kerry masks are made from the same mold * Likes to wear inexpensive open-toed beach sandals * Hates Genghis Khan, and cannot even pronounce his name right...what a fairy * Wanted to be the first gay President, failed * So UnAmerican that his bologna does not have a first name * His eyebrows have been put on backwards * Is related to the guy who started wicca. * French Fries are his favorite food * He is only the JUNIOR Senator of the most satan-worshiping, gay-loving state, Massachusetts. * Regularly attends french gay pride parades * John Kerry hates Lance Armstrong for his record breaking American domination of the Tour de France. * Met with Daniel Ortega in the 1980s, the former Communist murderer in Nicaragua. Jimmy Carter was also invited. * Imports all his food from the Al Quaeda, especially "I Hate America" cookies * Wears granny panties left|200px|thumb|Needs more [[Formaldehyde, more proof of zombie bears aka democrats in Congress]] * Made up a silly claim that 1/4 of the US military voted for him. http://rawstory.com/news/afp/Iraq_undercuts_Republican_support_a_07022008.html * Fathered John McCain's illegitimate black baby who grew up to be a secret Muslim named Barack Hussein Polpot Napoleon Hitler Obama * Uses Formaldehyde to keep his face from falling off, revealing his true zombie nature. * Loves bears and fathers mutant human-bears known as Al Qaeda * Tased a college student. This was because the student attempted to reveal his Zombie nature. * His initials happen to be the same as that equally pinko commie-liberal JFK. * He is a first-cousin to pedobear. * He is a retarded space alien sent down to earth to "take it over" (he was actually banished) sound familiar, Invader Zim fans? Troop Hating Quotes * "I can't overstress the importance of a great education. Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up stuck in a war in Iraq." *"How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?" - This quote was the proximate cause of the fall of Saigon. *"Retards are the only things stuck in Iraq. (in a mocking tone) Derr, look at me, I'm looking for roadside bombs...woops! Where are my legs?(several minutes of his own laughter ensued)" *A quote from John Kerry during the Arizone State University presidential debates of 2004 - "I don't know about you Mr. President, but I'm rooting for the terrorists. The sooner we lose this war on terror the better." *"I hate American troops with every liberal-weak-botox filled bone in my body." *"The only troops I support are sodomites ." Other America-Hating Quotes * "I will answer his question, just as soon as you're doing tasering him', University of Florida, September, 2007 * "I am John Kerry, I spend most of my ketch-up money on American Flags....Which I burn." * "I dare the Archbishop of Boston to excommunicate me from the Roman Catholic Church !" Liberal Elite John Kerry is a Latte Liberal. See Also *Hate America Firsters *Democrat *cut and run *veteran *Commie *Vietnam *Swift Boating *Flip-Flopper *Penguin External Sources *Wikipedia's liberal description of Kerry